How?

How do you know when to tell your emotions, enough! Especially when you are 33 weeks pregnant. But how do you know when they are warning you??

Can't get there

My feet are killing me. It is hot and I am swollen. And the new argument today was weather or not to put money into a savings or CD. He got an attitude and I got ticked. I feel as if he never has a right to get mad at me. I can't help it. The minute all of this starts I am like are you kidding me.....and you.......

I actually DID hold back when I heard he got a speeding ticket today. I did. I was quite proud of myself. I tried to tell myself things happen. Although I was thinking "Geez always with the driving."

And just when you think you may have some extra money so you don't panic when baby comes and you are on unpaid maternity leave...you are writing out a check for a speeding ticket.

In church on Sunday ( that I did almost skip), a woman stood up and said how great her marriage is now going. Her and her husband were just signatures away from a divorce. She said she had a great christian counselor. I almost wanted to ask her for the name. almost...

And my mom told me about my aunt who has SO wanted a divorce for a long time. She has 5 kids all almost grown. I think other people may be involved. So as my mom is telling me the latest "problem" I think...why can't they try a counselor?? If they just looked at each other side...I see Jon and Kate headlines and think...no matter what couldn't you have just tried?? Another couple I know has just filed for divorce. and my heart breaks. But I look at myself, and see things different. Not fair. Not at all. But I can't get there.

lonely

I have realized this situation is not working. Just trying to "live." I am so very lonely. And the kids notice. I know when my daughter (who is 3) asks me if I love daddy. With a smile "of course sweetie." As I am thinking, I have no idea anymore.

I have returned to praying...sort-of. This is my prayer "God help me to trust my husband." Honestly it is the only thing I can manage. I say it over and over sometimes. Over and over. I sometimes change it up a bit and say "God help me have some feelings for him again." And since I have struggled with prayer, I am not sure if it is "working."

I have been thinking it over in my head. Life sure can be easier with him around. 3 children under 5 with a baby on the way is easier with some back-up. But then a lot of days life is easier when he is gone. My shoulders relax. I breath easier. My anger fades.

But I said to myself today that something has to change. I can't live like this. the kids aren't fooled and they are little. What happens when they get bigger? Should I try for them. And then I thought abotu how lonely I am. And I miss being hugged and kissed. Held and falling into someones arms. But HE makes me so angry.

I can't let go. I feel like letting go is admitting defeat. Like he was right. All is ok adn forgotten. And even though in my head I think maybe it is better that way, I can't do it. I can't tell you the last time we kissed. It would be like kissing a stranger.

But being a month out from delivery I fell like something should change. I want something to be different. I just don;t know who should be what?

oh yeah??

So I woke up today feeling ok. I had a drs appointment at 3. The kids stayed with my mom. I had to go to Wal**Mart for diapers. And primer...And then HE called me on my way to my appointment. Just chit-chat. So what time is your appointment. Call me when it is over. And then the anxiety rose. The negativity. The depression. One phone call from him and it all begins. I thought about asking the dr. today if I could perhaps be put on something but I know this is not my hormones. It is him.

So I got home today and there are flowers on the table. He will call from work later to ask how the kids are doing. I will ask him who the flowers are for. This will turn into an argument. I have decided that I am 6-8 weeks out from delivery and can't do anything until after the baby is born. But what then? Do I get a lawyer? Do I ask him to leave? (although I can't pay for the house)

But guess what I do know? Flowers 2 days after my birthday is certainly not our only problem.

Throbbing headache

And I know why. constant crying will do that to you...


Today was another bad day. A lot of little stuff. Him almost wreaking the van, yelling at me "that's enough" as I question him as to what in the heck are we going to do if he wreaks the van again. I just have had enough.

I have no idea where I want to go from here. When he is not here, I am not anxious, unhappy, miserable. All of the things I AM when he is here. And yet to divorce...with the kids. Bella isn't even born yet. Cheating her of the opportunity to know, live with her dad. Not that the other kids would really remember much.

But what else to do. I was looking up counselors. But I wanted a Christian perspective. There is ONE I found. But then I thought about going into the place and hyperventilating. The whole social fear and anxiety. I just feel like he doesn't want any change and he will just keep thinking it is me. And I will keep with the hurt and disappointment.

And I just can't keep continuing with this....

And I'll cry if I want to...

He forgot. My birthday. Seriously? He says he is sorry. Like so many sorrys that have come before. My one day. And he forgot.....exactly.

mistake

What if you made the wrong choice. You can blame it on a lot of things. Youth. Fear. Bad childhood. But you have to own it now. You messed up. On probably the most important decision of your life. And you just kept making it worse. You could have gotten out. You should have gotten out. But you didn;t. Maybe because of fear again. Bad childhood. Youth. And now you are 29. And you have 4 children. And you are still here. You are here. ANd you don;t know what to do?

Continue to make bad choices. Based on what? Based on commitments made when you didn't know the full story. Is that fair? SHoudl you sacrifice, adn surrender who you are for a mistake. When does a mistake have to be forever. I can't go back. But how do I fix it. I am the adult. I have lives I am now responsible for. I can't keep doing this.

I want to let go. I so need peace. I want to let go. I feel like I need to let go. But at whose cost? The little ones. The only thing that matters more than me in this. But to see a live that is unhappy. To fake happiness. I can't. Never could be that good of an actress.

But it never is going to get better. And if it doesn't. Then what. I dont know what I believe. Who I trust. WHat I can stake my life on. I am fading. Disappearing. Letting go....